"Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't." (Pete Seeger) Oh the truth of this statement!
I have been thinking a lot about agency, in particular, the agency of my sons and what part I now play in their lives as they face the challenges of being a young adult. This is a new stage for all of us and presents questions like; Do I give counsel without being asked? Am I supposed to stand back and let them make choices that I know will be painful? Will they think I'm a buttinsky if I try to help? Why does it have to be so hard? I thought it would get easier as they got older!
It did seem easier when they were younger and I felt like I could share my opinion with them, even if they didn't want to hear it. Now I am feeling unsure about how to proceed and I am a little worried (okay, a lot worried) that I may not have prepared them enough for the experiences they are about to face. Not all experiences are positive and some can take a lifetime to overcome. I get caught up in the "what if's". What if they start drinking or do drugs or have premarital sex or decide not to believe in God? What then?
The mother in me asks, "How important is experience anyway?" This is my way of wanting to protect them, by not letting them have the bad experiences. I know this is not a viable option, because this would only provide them with a one sided view of reality. The more I think about it, I come to the conclusion that it is a very selfish way to think. Who am I really trying to save from the pain of experience; them or me? That's when the woman in me speaks up on their behalf and says, "My greatest lessons were learned from experience."
Do I want to take that away from them? Is receiving instruction enough? Can I force them to read the fine print? What kind of person would they be if they didn't have the opportunity to experience the good and the bad?
This led me to the Parable of A Child
A young school teacher had a dream that an angel appeared to him and said, "You will be given a child who will grow up to become a world leader. How will you prepare her so that she will realize her intelligence, grow in confidence, develop both her assertiveness and sensitivity, be open-minded, yet strong in character? In short, what kind of education will you provide that she can become one of the world's truly GREAT leaders?"
The young teacher awoke in a cold sweat. It had never occurred to him before -- any ONE of his present or future students could be the person described in his dream. Was he preparing them to rise to ANY POSITION to which they may aspire? He thought, 'How might my teaching change if I KNEW that one of my students were this person?' He gradually began to formulate a plan in his mind.
This student would need experience as well as instruction. She would need to know how to solve problems of various kinds. She would need to grow in character as well as knowledge. She would need self-assurance as well as the ability to listen well and work with others. She would need to understand and appreciate the past, yet feel optimistic about the future. She would need to know the value of lifelong learning in order to keep a curious and active mind. She would need to grow in understanding of others and become a student of the spirit. She would need to set high standards for herself and learn self discipline, yet she would also need love and encouragement, that she might be filled with love and goodness.
His teaching changed. Every young person who walked through his classroom became, for him, a future world leader. He saw each one, not as they were, but as they could be. He expected the best from his students, yet tempered it with compassion. He taught each one as if the future of the world depended on his instruction.
After many years, a woman he knew rose to a position of world prominence. He realized that she must surely have been the girl described in his dream. Only she was not one of his students, but rather his daughter. For of all the various teachers in her life, her father was the best.
I've heard it said that "Children are living messages we send to a time and place we will never see." But this isn't simply a parable about an unnamed school teacher. It is a parable about you and me -- whether or not we are parents or even teachers. And the story, OUR story, actually begins like this:
"You will be given a child who will grow up to become...." You finish the sentence. If not a world leader, then a superb father? An excellent teacher? A gifted healer? An innovative problem solver? An inspiring artist? A generous philanthropist?
What will you be willing to do to prepare this child?
I had been pondering that thought during the week. Even part of my prayers each day had been dedicated to this topic. I was in need of some guidance to help me make this transition with some grace. The Lord did not let me down. My answer came from an unexpected source, my son, the very person I was praying about. It seems the Lord appreciates irony.
My son taught our FHE lesson this week and he chose the topic of agency. He said that it had been on his mind lately. (I love the way that God works in so many lives at one time!) I can understand his concerns, his world has been expanding with new people, situations, and information through work and school, and he is facing challenges to his faith in new and sometimes difficult ways. I think most Christian young adults find themselves in this situation.
During his lesson he expressed concerns about the way agency had been taught to him. In the church we often talk about having agency and how important it is, but there is a lack of information on how to apply it in the moments we are tested. The focus is usually on the why you shouldn't do it, but the how to face the situation is sometimes not given an equal amount of time. He wished that there would have been more taught on the 'how' part. Things like: How to talk yourself into the right choice; how to look at the situation from all perspectives; how to deal with the emotions you feel when you are in the situation, and how to get out of a bad situation with your dignity intact.
He shared with us two examples that have challenged him lately: Working on Sundays and Word of Wisdom temptations.
Working on Sundays
He was originally hired for the Monday through Thursday slot washing dishes. The hours were good, but he didn't really enjoy the job. So when a wait-staff position opened he was thrilled that he could move up. The catch was that he would have to work on a few Sundays. At the time he didn't think this would be such a big deal, but now he is starting to feel the impact of not participating in the sacrament and the blessings that come from that.
As parents we had cautioned him that working on Sundays would take its toll. He wasn't disrespectful, he listened to our counsel, but he couldn't truly understand the consequences of this choice. He didn't have anything to compare it too. He has always had the opportunity to attend church, it was never an issue. It wasn't until he had an actual experience with it that he began to understand it. A real life experience that made him think about what he had been taught and required him to stop and think about the real life consequences of that action. That's what it took for him to see the wisdom in not working on the Sabbath. He is not alone, I often find myself in that same situation: I have been warned, but I still have to learn it the hard way. It seems to be part of human nature.
I think Tom Bodett captured this brilliantly when he said, "In school, you are taught a lesson, then given a test. In life, you are given a test that teaches you a lesson."
Word of Wisdom Temptations
Although I am sad that he is now having to deal with the consequences of his choice, I am also grateful for it. The Sunday situation has taught him a lesson: think about all the consequences before you act. This would come in handy for his next challenge: To drink or not to drink coffee.
When faced with this challenge he would stop and think about the consequences before jumping in. I think this challenge was even tougher than the working on Sundays challenge because no one would have known that he had drank the coffee, it could be his secret. He was able to draw on his personal experience and make the right decision. I was so impressed that he didn't drink the coffee and even more impressed that he was willing to share his story with his family. It was a good lesson for all of us to hear.
As a parent and teacher I wish that it was as easy as the verses in Proverbs make it sound:
Proverbs 12:15: “Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to advice.”
Proverbs 15:22: “Without counsel, plans go wrong, but with many advisers they succeed.”
Proverbs 27:17: “Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens the wits of another.”
I think of all the heartache that could be avoided if we would simply learn from the experiences of others. Every experience we could possibly have is in the scriptures, wouldn't it be great if we could absorb the lessons without having to experience them for ourselves? But there is the catch, it took experience for the people of the scriptures to learn their lessons, why would it be any different for us?
I am continuing to learn that instruction is not enough, to truly have something mean enough to have a place in our hearts it requires experience. We have a need to attach an emotion to the lesson, whether it be a positive emotion or a negative emotion. It is part of what we draw on when we face the decisions and challenges that come with everyday life.
Earlier in this post I asked, "How important is experience anyway?" It was my selfish question. My way of trying to justify my desire to save my children and myself the heartache of experience. I now realize that if I truly love my children I will want them to have the chance to experience the consequences of their choices. They too need the opportunity to learn that instruction and experience work hand in hand to help build their character. If they are to become the people that God needs them to be, it will require them to have experiences, both positive and negative. I need to trust that the Lord knows what he is doing and that my sons will make more good decisions than bad.
I will still be there for them when they need me, whether that be giving them advice or helping them pick up the pieces. But I will evaluate the situation a little differently than I have in the past, instead of asking, "What I am supposed to do?" I think I will ask, "Will I be getting in the way?" It appears that sometimes the best choice I can make is simply getting out of the way!
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