Finding Myself

Day two hundred thirty-nine

I am just so grateful for a day off today!  I have so much to do around the house and I am really looking forward to spending some time with my family!  My prayer was filled with gratitude for the blessings in my life such as family, friends, food and housing.  I love all the small blessings that we get everyday and hardly ever think about.  When I think about all the small blessings over my life time, I am amazed at how huge they really are!  I just can't say thank you enough!

1 Samuel 15
In chapter 15 Saul has another opportunity to show that he is a servant of the Lord.  Samuel comes to tell him that the Amalekites have got to be destroyed.  Saul is given specific instructions:  go and smite Amalek, utterly destroy all they have, spare them not, slay everything (15:3).  This might seem harsh, but there is a history with the Amalekites that needed to be dealt with for Israel's sake.

The problem becomes clear in verse 9 when we find out that Saul and the people spared Agag, the Amalek king, and didn't kill the livestock.  It gets even clearer in verse 13 when Saul greets Samuel with, "Blessed be thou of the Lord:  I have performed the commandment of the Lord."  What!  Did Saul really believe that he had fulfilled what the Lord had asked him to do?

Apparently so, because he gives Samuel the following reasoning, "the people spared the best...to sacrifice unto the Lord thy God (15:15)" and "Yea, I have obeyed the voice of the Lord... (15:20)."

Samuel explains to him that to obey is better than sacrifice.  He lets Saul know that because he has "rejected the word of the Lord, he hath also rejected thee from being king (15:22-23)." It is only after Samuel points this out to Saul that Saul understands that he has sinned.  He explains that because he feared the people, he obeyed their voice instead of the Lord's.  Samuel takes things into his own hands and kills Agag.  This interaction leaves Samuel mourning for Saul.

Finding Myself In this Story

Saul
When I first read this story I was thinking, "What is wrong with Saul? How can he not see what the problem is?" Then the little voice in my head said, "How many times have you been like Saul?"  Ugh, it was time for some self reflection.  Was I ready to see myself in Saul? 

I guess so, because the similarities came gushing forth.  Like Saul, I have been called into a leadership position, I have made mistakes, I have thought I was doing the right thing and later found out that it was actually the wrong thing, I have caved under the pressure of others, and the list goes on. I was so quick to judge Saul when in fact I have been just as guilty of not following the Lord's commandments to the full extent.  I could just as easily have been asking myself, "What is wrong with me?  How can I not see what the problem is?"  I'm not very happy with my initial reaction, I should know better than to judge another so quickly.  I really need to put myself in their shoes and see how well I would do.  I have once again been put in my place!

Samuel 
If I could find myself in Saul, was there also a little bit of Samuel in me?  The answer is yes. I am not as righteous as Samuel, but I have experienced the emotions that come with a leadership position in the Church.  I have felt frustration with those that I teach because they choose to live a life not in accordance with what the Lord has asked of them.  I know the heartache of watching a once righteous spirit fall into the traps of sin.  I have cried many tears and have said many prayers for those that the Lord has put in my care. 

I have also been in a position where I have had to clean up another's mess.  I think most of us have had that experience.  Samuel appears to finish the work the Lord asks Saul to do with grace, I don't think I have always been that way.  I usually harbor some anger and resentment that I have to work through.  I learned a lot about myself and leadership from finding myself in Samuel.  I have a lot to work on.

I started this blog to share what I was learning about the scriptures in hopes that it might help others.  I never really thought about how this journey would expose my faults and cause me discomfort.  It is sometimes embarrassing to blog about my inadequacies.  I have often thought about leaving parts out of my blog because I was worried about what others would think of me.  I have prayed about it a few times and every time I get the same answer: recognizing my weaknesses can actually be a strength for me and others.  If there is one thing I have learned from Saul and Samuel it is that I need to follow what the Lord says.  With that said, I will continue on my journey to find myself through the scriptures and share what I can.