Forgiving Myself

I am one of those people that sits in sacrament meeting and has to make myself stay focused on what is being said.  I have a short attention span (which is probably why I work with the youth) and to top it off I am a high energy person, so sitting for an hour is hard for me to do.  Sitting and listening is torture!  What is a person to do?

To help me get more out of sacrament meetings I started using a journal and writing things down that interested me.  If I am having a particularly hard time focusing (which is most Sundays) I use my scriptures and start to investigate the topic of the week.  This is good for me, it keeps me busy, and it gives me a topic to think about during the week.

This week the main topic was forgiveness.  Talks about forgiveness tend to be about forgiving others.  This is important, but I find it easier to forgive others than I do to forgive myself. Is that weird? I am harder on myself, I know what I am capable of, and when I don't meet the expectations I tend to beat myself up.  This is the topic of forgiveness that I need to learn about:  Forgiving Myself.

As usual, I went to the scriptures.  One of the scriptures I came across stuck with me:  "Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye." (Col 3:13)

It's the "even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye" that hits home.  Why is it okay for Christ to forgive me, but not for me to forgive myself?  Is it hypocritical for me to hold on to those feelings that come with sin when Christ has already paid the price for them?  Am I being disrespectful to the power of the Atonement when I don't forgive myself?

Jeremiah 31:34 states, "...for I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more." God chooses not to bring up our sin to Himself or others. So why do we?  When we don't forgive ourselves and choose not to forget, we are dwelling on the sin, not the sacrifice Christ made for us. 

Forgiving ourselves can be deeply healing. In 2 Corinthians 2:7 we read, "So that contrariwise ye ought rather to forgive him, and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one should be swallowed up with overmuch sorrow." We can apply this to how we feel about ourselves. Until we forgive ourselves, we will focus on our sorrow, regret, and shame.  Wouldn't it be more productive to fill our minds with thoughts of the awesome God who forgave us and thank and praise Him for it. Remembering our sins is only beneficial when it reminds us of the extent of God’s forgiveness and makes it easier for us to forgive others (Matt 18:21-35).

It is sometimes difficult to remember that the way we see ourselves is not an accurate picture of how Christ sees us. When we are forgiven He sees us as a step closer to perfection, yet many of us tend to stay focused on the affects of the sin.  Is that basically denying the work that He did for us during the atonement?

Mahatma Gandhi said, "The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."  I think this is true, especially when it comes to forgiving oneself.  As long as we hold on and do not allow the atonement to do it's work, we are only weaken ourselves.  How can we progress if we keep holding on to the past? It is when we have the confidence in God and in ourselves to let go and move on that we feel the strength that comes from removing the burden. 

I am starting to see the damage that is done when I don't forgive myself.  My relationship with God suffers, my progression suffers, and I allow my weaknesses to overcome my strengths.  What a great target I become for Satan to jump in and work on me!  What the heck am I thinking?!

What great gifts we are given in the atonement: the ability to be forgiven, to strengthen ourselves against Satan, to come one step closer to perfection, and to strengthen our relationship with God.  I have been wasting so much time and energy on not letting go, that I haven't allowed the full power of these gifts to be a part of my life.  What a shame.

I've decided that I am not going to dwell on what I haven't done, instead I am going to focus on asking for forgiveness and then MOVE ON!  I want the full blessings of the atonement in my life, really I need them in my life.  I want to have the attribute of forgiveness and be strong!  I want God to know that I believe in Him.  I want to move closer to perfection and I can when I truly forgive myself.